By Kathryn Robbins CPC
No way around it, we all have people who make our lives difficult. It can be a co-worker, boss, parent, sibling, friend, spouse or even our kids. Oops, I forgot the neighbors. The question is what can we do about them? Recently, I read an article by Brett Blumenthal, on 8 Toxic Personalities to Avoid. She give us clues as to what theses toxic people look like, but she ends her article with, “Frankly, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity, If you can, avoid spending much time with people who are indicative of these behaviors and you’ll feel a lot happier.”
Really - will I be happier playing the “Artful Dodger?”
I don’t know how she lives her life, but I can’t spend my days “avoiding” people I don’t like. What if these un-likables are my family members – husband, siblings, or my kids? Let’s be honest, we are not “stary-eyed” in love with them all the time. Fact is it’s the people closest to us who can get under our skin the easiest. Other than quitting our jobs, getting a divorce – vowing never to marry again, and putting our children up for adoption, what can we do? What if we love these toxic people and don’t want to get rid of them, what then?
People don’t usually wear hazard stickers warning us of their toxicity, but they do give off visible clues, if we know what to look for. Let’s meet a few of the more “common” toxic personalities. (Names have been changed to protect the guilty.)
Lucy Love-me – Love them we do! We almost can’t help but love them. They can pour on the charm, make us laugh and suck every drop of grace out of us until we are bone dry. The amount of drama that revolves around these people is a sight to behold, like a tornado creating enough power to pull you in, getting you to stop focusing on your life and start rescuing them from theirs. At some point in the relationship, you realize the love they radiate is all for them and none for you. The moment you require love in return – they fly away, like a butterfly off to a new flower filled with a fresh source of sweet nectar love. You on the other hand are left with a bundle of mixed feelings; exhaustion, lose of personal goals, feeling used and lonely.
Suzy Sweet-talker – They know just the right words to say and what buttons to push in order to get you doing whatever it is they want you to do. They are almost as narcissistic as Lucy Love-me, only with a bit less drama. They are the stuff the proverbial “Used Car Salesman” is made of. If you are not careful, you could find yourself holding the bag for another one of their schemes. Every cloud has a silver lining, every rainbow its pot of gold and every fool has money just waiting to be parted, and if you happen to be that fool, don’t be surprised by their lack of remorse or fair play, because in the end it will be your fault their scheme didn’t work out. They have a knack for walking away clean and leaving you to mop up the mess.
Tony Tactless – Here we have an opinionated, bony-finger in your face kind of person! Rules and boundaries are but mere suggestions to them. In fact they feel rules are for stupid people – not them! No matter what you do or plan to do, they will find a better way to do it, and strong arm you into doing their way, even if they don’t plan to help in the venture. As young children they are the bullies on the block and as they grow older they apply these same tactics to almost all of their relationships. After a while you realize you are exhausted from defending yourself every moment you are with them. If you work for this type of person, life can be miserable. Sue Thompson’s new book, Sheer Living Hell: Surviving a Tormenting Work Environment, will be a helpful handbook for those who work with these toxic people.
Carla Critic – Nothing is ever good enough. Try as you may, you will never win their approval. Their unrealistic expectations keep growing with each and every success you achieve, and with each success comes the “tear down,” verbal or subliminal. It’s a scene straight out of Cinderella, “Who you – go to the ball? Don’t be absurd.” Then comes the look, “I think I smell dog pooh. Would you please check YOUR shoes?” The energy and focus it takes to stay above the waterline becomes so consuming that whatever self worth we’ve salvaged after our Junior High School days, is now washed away. Happiness – yours or theirs is not going to happen no matter how hard we try.
Dorthea Dismay – They can’t see the up-side to any situation, even when good things do happen. They love to dwell on tomorrow’s troubles. If you share an accomplishment with them like passing your drivers test, they are quick to tell you the statistics about highway fatalities. If you share a joke that cracked you up, they respond with a stoic look and a concerned comment, “How many people have to told that to?” as if there is something wrong with you for thinking it’s funny. Soon you find yourself keeping your dreams to yourself, and before you know it, your dreams start to wither for lack of open air. It is not uncommon for people to become depressed around these people. Oh, what a surprise!
Kevin Killjoy – is a first cousin to Dorthea Dismay. Share an idea with this type of person and watch what happens – FEAR! “Well…are you sure that’s what you really want to do? I’m not sure I would do it that way…but, I’m sure you have done your research, so do what you want.” The initial response to this is either self doubt or rebellion. The “pleaser” type personalities will default to self doubt, wondering if there really is a huge flaw in the plan, while the “doers” become angry and take personal offense at the idea of their capabilities being questioned. With time the Pleasers are shamed into doing nothing and the Doers don’t give the Killjoys the time of day.
Larry Lackluster – Not all toxic personalities are actively causing trouble, some toxic behaviors are passive in nature. Stay neutral about everything and see how people react. Not having an opinion on anything, and agreeing with everyone means somewhere down the line this person is telling a lie to someone, and most people do NOT like to be lied to. The insincerity of this behavior doesn’t foster solid relationships. At some point in time we all want to hear the truth and feel supported. Emotion is the power which propels us, so when there’s no wind in the sail, we have to use the ores – back breaking work. Too many times when a relationship becomes “back breaking work,” we quit working at it.
Wendy Wishy-washy – Being everything to everyone has a similar affect on relationships as Larry Lackluster’s passive toxicity of neutrality - it causes a serious level of dishonesty. If you are for everything, there are no boundaries. When there are no boundaries, there is a level of recklessness that can cause out of control behaviors – up one day and down the next – I love you –I hate you – I love you – I hate you. There’s no safety net for this type of toxicity. Eventually we become emotionally motion sick and beg to get off the ride, no matter how fun it was in the beginning.
As a Personality Trainer and Relationship Coach, I have chosen these toxic behaviors, because they fall in line with personality types. Each personality type has strengths, struggles, desires and emotional needs especially tailored for them -- hard wired right into our DNA. When our personalities have not had their emotional needs meet, you can count on dysfunctional or toxic behaviors taking place.
Let me introduce you to the personalities behind these toxic behaviors. This will only be an introduction. I will go into more depth about each personality’s strengths, struggles, desires and emotional needs in part two. Obviously, if we are examining toxic behaviors we are looking at the struggles or weakness side of the personalities.
Each personality listed below has an Adjective, Greek name, and Color to identify their basic nature. There are four basic personality types, based on Hippocrates Greek terms and four blended personalities, for a total of eight categories.
Lucy Love-me – Playful (Sanguine.) The color Yellow
Struggles: narcissistic, unfaithful, gossip, self indulgent
Strengths: Sunny, happy, cheerleader, care-free.
Suzy Sweet-talker – Promoter (Sanguine/Choleric) The color Orange
Struggles: Over sells their ability, crafty, stretches the truth, con-artist
Strengths: Courageous, creative, optimistic, outgoing
Tony Tactless – Powerful (Choleric) The color Red
Struggles: Overly opinionated, hot head, bully, likes to argue
Strengths: Powerful, accretive, full of action, in charge.
Carla Critic – Producer (Choleric/Melancholic) The color Purple
Struggles: Critical, perfectionistic, condescending, cruel
Strengths: Exacting, commanding, detailed, full of purpose
Dorthea Dismay – Proper (Melancholic) The color Blue
Struggles: Judgmental, selfish, moody, cunning
Strengths: Analytical, proper, sensitive, artistic
Kevin Killjoy – Peacekeeper (Melancholic/Phlegmatic) The color Aqua
Struggles: Negative attitude, fearful, full of self doubt, passive-aggressive
Strengths: Diplomatic, deep thinker, thoughtful, principled
Larry Lackluster – Peaceful (Phlegmatic) The color Green
Struggles: Unenthusiastic, lazy, tells lies to keep peace, procrastinates
Strengths: Laid back, kind, friendly, gracious
Wendy Wishy-washy – Partner (Phlegmatic/Sanguine) The color Peridot
Struggles: Undisciplined, easily tempted, emotionally wavering, shallow
Strengths: Companionable, good sense of humor, easy going, fun loving
The good news is this – we can learn to love toxic people, even if it turns out that we are one of them. I agree with Brett Blumenthal, life is too short to spend your time dealing with toxicity, but that doesn’t mean we need to “avoid” the people who drive us crazy, we need to learn strategies to live a healthy life style with them still in it.
Kathryn's personality based classes have enlightened a broad range of groups, from corporate to faith-based organizations, through in-person workshops, teleconferences, and on-line webinars. Many have found Pesonality Principles to be a great tool in coaching and counseling.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Monday, June 9, 2008
Does our Personality have any impact on how we spend our money?
Each month I send out an e-newletter and post a Q & A section. Many of the trainers email me questions and I do my best to find the answers.
Here's a great question.
Question:
"Do you have anything specifically on how personalities determine your spending habits?"
Answer:
Here are some "generalities." I hate being this general, but there isn't much in the way of hard cold research on this subject. Keep in mind teen spending is different than adult spending.
Playful Sanguine - IMPULSE spender, see it - buy it. On a whole they are not good at keeping track of checkbook balances, or debts owed. This doesn't mean they can't do it, they just don't like doing it. It is always a surprise to Playfuls when they find themselves over drawn at the bank or run out of cash. They have no idea how that happened, because they were trying to be so “careful this time!”They love to buy things for other people, sometimes the other people even like what they buy. =0) They are good with color, so home decorating and clothing are big expenditures for them - fun too. They will even help you spend your money! Many Playfuls do some kind of shopping everyday, be it groceries, clothing, household goods or gifts. It is not uncommon for Playfuls to find money stuffed away in the pockets of seasonal clothing. They should always check the pockets of any piece of clothing before
Powerful Choleric - CHEAP and proud of it! If you complement them on something (it doesn't matter what) they will tell you what they paid for it, because they NEVER pay retail. It's all about the bargain! They will almost always, tell you how to spend your money, because they know best! "Best" being how they did it. They can part with large amounts of cash without loosing sleep over it. They normally have a plan and follow it. They may be tempted to impulse shop, but usually change their mind before committing to the purchase if it doesn't line up with their plan. If they do run across an impulse "deal" that they can't pass up, they will justify it by informing everyone that it was a "need" not a "want." Typically, Powerfuls don't purchase art work, unless it's an investment. They do spend plenty of money and time on sports and sport related activities.
Peaceful Phlegmatic - COMFORT is where Peacefuls tend to spend their money, be it food (cooking or eating out), or furniture. They are not shoppers by nature - that would require expending energy and making decisions - both of these issues are not their strong point. Change is also something they don't care much for, so getting new things to replace the old is not a top priority for them. Chances are they have many "creature comforts" and gadgets. If it doesn't come with a remote control, they probably won't buy it. Many Peaceful are some what on the techie side, so computers and game systems are the purchase of choice, which goes well with their over stuffed lounge chair. =0) Price is not always a priority - if it's easier to pay full price, so be it. They also tend to be last minute shoppers, which means they haven't put a lot of "think" time into the purchase.
Proper Melancholic - QUALITY is the focus for almost all their decisions, which extends to money expenditures. Brand names are important, because they feel band name products are better quality. Also, peer pressure plays a huge part in what Propers purchase, they don't want to be out of step with the latest styles. They will pay full price for items, because "On Sale" might lend itself to the thought, "If it's on sale that must mean no one liked it, so why would I want it." Propers are not impulse spenders - they research and plan their expenditures. Even if they find something that catches their eye, they will wait and think about it before purchasing it. Because Propers are very private, they don't want everyone's opinions about that they plan to do, seeing they are good at doing research they might not trust the opinions of others. It is not uncommon for Propers to purchase things, even large ticket items like a car or furniture and not tell anyone about it for a long time or until you notice. ================================
If you have any questions or insights to these or other questions,
Please email them to info@personalityprinciples.com
Here's a great question.
Question:
"Do you have anything specifically on how personalities determine your spending habits?"
Answer:
Here are some "generalities." I hate being this general, but there isn't much in the way of hard cold research on this subject. Keep in mind teen spending is different than adult spending.
Playful Sanguine - IMPULSE spender, see it - buy it. On a whole they are not good at keeping track of checkbook balances, or debts owed. This doesn't mean they can't do it, they just don't like doing it. It is always a surprise to Playfuls when they find themselves over drawn at the bank or run out of cash. They have no idea how that happened, because they were trying to be so “careful this time!”They love to buy things for other people, sometimes the other people even like what they buy. =0) They are good with color, so home decorating and clothing are big expenditures for them - fun too. They will even help you spend your money! Many Playfuls do some kind of shopping everyday, be it groceries, clothing, household goods or gifts. It is not uncommon for Playfuls to find money stuffed away in the pockets of seasonal clothing. They should always check the pockets of any piece of clothing before
Powerful Choleric - CHEAP and proud of it! If you complement them on something (it doesn't matter what) they will tell you what they paid for it, because they NEVER pay retail. It's all about the bargain! They will almost always, tell you how to spend your money, because they know best! "Best" being how they did it. They can part with large amounts of cash without loosing sleep over it. They normally have a plan and follow it. They may be tempted to impulse shop, but usually change their mind before committing to the purchase if it doesn't line up with their plan. If they do run across an impulse "deal" that they can't pass up, they will justify it by informing everyone that it was a "need" not a "want." Typically, Powerfuls don't purchase art work, unless it's an investment. They do spend plenty of money and time on sports and sport related activities.
Peaceful Phlegmatic - COMFORT is where Peacefuls tend to spend their money, be it food (cooking or eating out), or furniture. They are not shoppers by nature - that would require expending energy and making decisions - both of these issues are not their strong point. Change is also something they don't care much for, so getting new things to replace the old is not a top priority for them. Chances are they have many "creature comforts" and gadgets. If it doesn't come with a remote control, they probably won't buy it. Many Peaceful are some what on the techie side, so computers and game systems are the purchase of choice, which goes well with their over stuffed lounge chair. =0) Price is not always a priority - if it's easier to pay full price, so be it. They also tend to be last minute shoppers, which means they haven't put a lot of "think" time into the purchase.
Proper Melancholic - QUALITY is the focus for almost all their decisions, which extends to money expenditures. Brand names are important, because they feel band name products are better quality. Also, peer pressure plays a huge part in what Propers purchase, they don't want to be out of step with the latest styles. They will pay full price for items, because "On Sale" might lend itself to the thought, "If it's on sale that must mean no one liked it, so why would I want it." Propers are not impulse spenders - they research and plan their expenditures. Even if they find something that catches their eye, they will wait and think about it before purchasing it. Because Propers are very private, they don't want everyone's opinions about that they plan to do, seeing they are good at doing research they might not trust the opinions of others. It is not uncommon for Propers to purchase things, even large ticket items like a car or furniture and not tell anyone about it for a long time or until you notice. ================================
If you have any questions or insights to these or other questions,
Please email them to info@personalityprinciples.com
Monday, November 5, 2007
Personality Information - Principle #1
I'm sure almost everyone has taken a personality temperament profile these days - DiSC, MBTI, Enneagram, The Personalities, or others, the list is long! But, does that information, or "label" really help us live better lives? Do we understand ourselves any better? Do we understand others any better? The sad answer to that is - NO. It's not until we apply this information, that we start seeing the benefit of doing those painful self discovery tests. Over the past ten years of administering these profiles, I have watched people squirm and complain when having to answer the behavior revealing questions. It is painful to be honest about our strengths and weakness. We can't change a behavior until we see it, and if nothing changes - NOTHING changes!
Over time I will be listing the steps or principles that will help make the process of applying this information more powerful and rewarding.
Enjoy!
Kathryn
Kathryn
Personality Principle # 1
You Are Here - Finding your bearings.
Completing the Personality Profile may seem like taking a test, but it's a tool that will help you find a starting point. Think of it like going to the shopping mall.
First, you need to decide to go to the mall (in need of something: information, guidance, hope). Park and walk in (do the profile). Now if you don't know exactly where you are, you might wander round in circles. A helpful thing to do is look for the directory board and find the "You Are Here" sticker (add up your totals).
Once you figure out where "You Are Here" is, you now can make a Personality Plan for getting from where you are to where you want to be. You may find you're on the wrong end of the mall (living in weaknesses), which means it will take a little more time to get where you want to go (living in strengths).
The journey may be long or short, but at least you're not aimlessly walking in circles any more. What you want to become is an individual who is living in his or her strengths, instead of being trapped in weaknesses.
In the journey of discovering your identity, you can use the tools of understanding personality traits to overcome natural tendencies and find freedom to live in your strengths.
Yes, "You Are Here." But, here is not where you will want to stay. Apply the Personality Principles and enjoy living in your strengths!
If you have not done a profile and need to obtain a copy, please visit the on-line store at the website. http://www.personalityprinciples.com/ or email personalityinfo@sbcglobal.net or call 314-616-8101.
Hard Copy Profiles are:1 - 50 @ $2.00 each plus S/H
51 - 100 @ $1.50 each plus S/H
For discount rates of orders over 100 copies, please call 314-616-8101.
These are excellent for use in business, schools, counseling, churches, or just for individual use.
We live in the day and age of "hackers," no I'm not talking about people who smoke, I'm talking about the people who break into our sites or information and put that information on their own sites. Well, a nice young man did that with our profile, so if you would like to take the profile - free of charge (his nickle) here's the web address with our profile on it. He states on his site that he hacked this profile for others to enjoy - feel free to enjoy his hard work.
This profile was developed by Fred and Florence Littauer for the book Personality Plus, and Wired That Way. You can find these and many other books about personalities on my website.
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