Toxic Personalities – Part 2
In understanding how personalities become toxic, it would be a good idea to investigate how they are formed in the first place. It has been a long standing argument of the scientific community weather our personality is formed by our environment or by our biological make up. Are we born “blank” waiting for our caregivers to install information into our brain, or are we born already hard-wired with the information that will dictate our preferences?
Since cracking the gene code, research has uncovered new findings about how DNA encoding affects the receptors in the brain which in turn determines how we respond to our environment. Thomas Insel, a director at the national Institute of Mental Health comments on this new finding, "Research appears to have found one of those hotspots in the genome where small differences can have large functional impact. The researchers found individual differences not in a protein-coding region, but in an area that determines a gene's expression in the brain. This is an extraordinary example of research linking gene variation - to brain receptors - to behavior."
DNA research may be a bit over most of our heads, but this is exciting news! We aren’t stamped out of a cookie cutter mold – there is wiggle room in our DNA to accommodate the differences in gender, birth order, culture, and experiences. This helps explain why siblings all turn out differently even though they were raised in the same environment, and by the same parents; they have a variation in their DNA. It could also explain why they are alike, body structure, gestures, voice, etc. – they share the same DNA.
To read more in this subject of DNA and personality visit: http://budurl.com/la9t and http://budurl.com/xpmq.
The verdict of Nature verses Nurture is in – modern scientific research has proven that our basic personality traits are hard wired into our DNA, and our environment is the driving force behind its variations and maturity. So, it’s safe to say we get our personality from our parents – through the genes they pass on to us and from the culture and environments in which we are raised.
There are many contributing factors in human development and it can make a person cross-eyed just thinking about it. To help simplify it a bit I have created a short list of contributing factors which go into making us who we are.
1. Personality – we are all born hard-wired with one. This determines our basic responses; extravert, introvert, follower, leader, and determines our desires, what we want most in life; control, order, fun, peace and so on.
2. Birth Order – studies have shown that our “position in the tribe” plays a huge part in imprinting behaviors. A first born may show more signs of taking the lead verses a last born, who may be happier letting someone else do it, while middle children feel like they get lost in the shuffle.
3. Gender – no doubt about it, men and women are different - hormones rein supreme!
4. Childhood Experiences – in childhood we start building the mental and emotional foundations that will be our platform or belief system for adult life. Here’s where we decide if we are loved or loathed, smart or stupid, worthy or worthless.
5. Adult Experiences – everyone has a different path and our individual path can either pull the rug out from under us or provide the success and passion to follow our dreams and goals.
6. Spiritual Bias – cultures and religions help develop our moral code. Our sense of right and wrong will be the driving force behind all we do and how we respond when that moral code is violated.
If you do the emotional math with the six things that make you who you are, there is no way, no matter how many people are born over endless generations that two people could ever be exactly alike. We are truly “one of a kind.”
Now that we have briefly covered how our personality is formed, we can examine how a personality can become toxic. But, first let’s review the eight personality categories again. There are four basic and four blended personality types, each having unique strengths, struggles, emotional needs and desires. In Part 1, the list of struggles focused on the toxic part of each personality, but for this section we will list the normal strengths and struggles of each personality category, along with their emotional needs and desires.
Playful (Sanguine) The color Yellow
Strengths: Sunny, Charming, Cheerleader, Makes friends easily
Struggles: Talks too much, Looses focus easily, Loses track of time and things
Emotional Needs: Attention, Affection, Acceptance – As is,
Desire: To have FUN!
Promoter (Sanguine/Choleric) The color Orange
Strengths: Courageous, Creative, Optimistic, Outgoing
Struggles: Can’t say “no,” Overconfident, Loud, Gets bored quickly
Emotional Needs: Approval, Attention, Activity
Desire: To be the spokesperson.
Powerful (Choleric) The color Red
Strengths: Confident, Assertive, Full of action, In charge.
Struggles: Overly opinionated, Arrogant, Usurps Authority, Impatient
Emotional Needs: Achievement, Credit for their work, Loyalty
Desire: To be in control.
Producer (Choleric/Melancholic) The color Purple
Strengths: Exacting, Commanding, Detailed planner, Organized
Struggles: Inflexible, Perfectionistic, Workaholic, Too bossy
Emotional Needs: A sense of control, Systematic organization, Support
Desire: To be the leader.
Proper (Melancholic) The color Blue
Strengths: Analytical, Proper, Sensitive, Artistic
Struggles: Negative, Selfish, Poor self image, Hold feelings and ideas hostage
Emotional Needs: Alone time, Sensitivity to their feelings, Silence
Desire: To have things done properly.
Peacekeeper (Melancholic/Phlegmatic) The color Aqua
Strengths: Diplomatic, Deep thinker, Works well alone, Principled
Struggles: Negative attitude, Fearful, Full of self doubt, Passive-aggressive
Emotional Needs: Understanding, Respect for who they are, Harmony
Desire: To find common ground
Peaceful (Phlegmatic) The color Green
Strengths: Laid back, Kind, Good listener, Gracious
Struggles: Unenthusiastic, Stubborn, Gives in easily to keep peace, Procrastinates
Emotional Needs: Peace and quiet, Feelings of worth, Rest/Sleep
Desire: To sit down and observe
Partner (Phlegmatic/Sanguine) The color Peridot
Strengths: Companionable, Witty, Easy going, Fun friend
Struggles: Undisciplined, Easily tempted, Shallow, Dislikes schedules
Emotional Needs: Affection, Low stress levels, Rest
Desire: To play nice with others
Our emotional needs and desires are the key to staying healthy or why we become toxic. Emotional needs are not wants, they are needs on the same level as air, food, water, and shelter. Think about it, what would you do if someone cut off your air supply – kick, bite, scratch, dig, plead? Chances are you would do whatever it takes to get that air supply regained. The same is true for emotional needs; we will do whatever it takes to sate these needs. When our emotional needs go unmet for too long, we instinctively do what ever it takes to make us feel better. Many times we steal these needs, which can turn healthy emotional needs into toxic addictions. Let’s take another look at our cast of toxic characters and see what might have contributed to their toxicity.
Lucy Love-me – Playful (Sanguine – Yellow)
Emotional Needs: Attention, Affection, Acceptance – As is,
Desire: To have FUN!
Playfuls are desperate for affection (physical touch), but if the people they love most don’t “love on them” enough or properly, they will start to create ways to steal this need for affection. Creating a rescue scenario is one of the best ways for Playfuls to steal two of their deepest emotional needs – Attention and Affection. Because Playfuls are fun and exciting, we want to hang out with them, only before you know it, you’re fixing their problems. Rescue always draws attention and we normally hug someone who’s crying, so voila, needs met! (They don’t lie in bed thinking up these scenarios, it just come naturally to them.)
In order to stay in relationship with a Toxic Playful, you will need to set firm, but kind boundaries. This means you will let them suffer the consequences of their actions, without abandoning or rescuing them, ie. Do not do their homework for them or call into work and lie for them, but instead, sit with them while they do their own homework or encourage them to buck-it-up and go to work. Keep in mind, Playfuls rarely change their ways after “suffering the consequences,” but setting healthy boundaries will keep you from going over the edge with them.
Remember: A hug is always a comforting gesture and a perfectly healthy thing to do.
Suzy Sweet-talker – Promoter (Sanguine/Choleric - Orange)
Emotional Needs: Approval, Attention, Activity
Desire: To be the spokesperson.
A Promoter’s need to be on stage is the driving force behind their whirlwind activities. There’s nothing more satisfying than an audience full of worshiping fans. Their charisma and enthusiasm is infectious, making any idea they come up with hard to resist. Before you know it, you have purchased a set of very expensive cutlery you didn’t need or under write the cost of a new project. Afterwards, you may regret the purchase or project you got roped into, but the Promoter isn’t concerned with your feelings, they have moved on. Did you listen to the spill? Did you buy into the plan? That all adds up to approval, even if it’s not genuine.
If you want this relationship to last longer than a season, you will need to learn to move as fast as the Promoter can think and leave your cash at home. Only bring enough “cash” to cover your own expenses and don’t divulge that you even have any. Promoters are famous for not carrying any money with them making it hard to cover the tip, a quick cup of coffee, or cab fair, which of course you will cover. Setting firm boundaries about your giving, be it time or money, will help you from feeling “used up.”
Remember: It’s perfectly fine to enjoy the presence of a great performer.
Tony Tactless – Powerful (Choleric - Red)
Emotional Needs: A sense of control, Credit for their work, Loyalty
Desire: To fix it.
The hardest thing in the world for a Powerful to do is to let someone else make decisions. Even as small children they always want a say in the matter. If not given the chance to express their ideas and wants as children, this need for control gets out of control, creating an angry tyrant who thinks everyone and everything is “stupid.” Being in a conversation with a Powerful may feel like being in an emotional arm wrestling contest – winner takes all. Powerfuls have an uncanny ability to see what is wrong and think they know how to fix it. The problem is they don’t know how to keep their observations to themselves. They expose other people’s problems thinking they want things fixed now, only this is not entirely true. People may want their problems fixed, but they don’t want to be exposed in the process. Powerfuls will say things that hurt your feelings, (even if what they say is true) and overstep the boundaries, because they don’t see them.
The best approach for being in relationship with a Powerful is to be honest and up front, don’t lie to them just to keep the peace. Stand up for your right to have an opinion that is different from theirs even if you think they will be mad at you for it. They will respect you more for standing up for yourself. If you know they didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, by what they said or did, tell them they hurt you. A Powerful will NOT change if they don’t know they did anything wrong. . Forgiveness goes along way.
Remember: It’s OK to give credit and praise for a job well done, even if you don’t like the person.
Carla Critic – Producer (Choleric/Melancholic - Purple)
Emotional Needs: Achievement, Systematic organization, Support
Desire: To be the leader.
Producers are classic over achievers and it makes sense when understand their deepest needs are to systematically achieve more than anyone else. The job of a producer, either on a movie, or stage play is to over see the whole production, making sure everything is done just right; down to the last detail. In a nut shell – the buck stops here. Being natural connoisseurs makes them less tolerant of the average and absolutely repulsed by the mundane. With that in mind it’s no wonder our Producer is so picky and carries an air of repulsion toward average things and people.
If you understand there is no middle ground with Producers; you are either right and there fore accepted or you are wrong and then dismissed, life with them will be less painful. Their acceptance or rejection of you has more to do with achievement than liking or not liking you. When difficulties arise in the relationship, ask yourself, “Am I getting the job done, or am I getting in the way?” From that point, you can adjust what you’re doing – lead, follow or get out of the way!
Remember: Perfection, genius, and classic works of art, come at a price, which is usually the rejection of anything less than the best.
Dorthea Dismay – Proper (Melancholic - Blue)
Emotional Needs: Alone time, Sensitivity to their feelings, Silence
Desire: To have things done properly.
Manors, decorum, and etiquette are the heart beat of the Propers. It causes them physical pain when they have to watch systems and behaviors that are improper. As we look around, there is plenty of improper stuff going on, so it’s logical to expect the Propers to retreat to a less painful place; a personal safe space, without noise and chaos, where their psyches can recover. This would all be fine if we knew this is what is happening, but for the person who is in relationship with a Proper, it feels like rejection.
If you are in relationship with a Proper, the best thing you can do is learn the silent signals and clues that indicate what is going on inside your Proper partner. Think of them like being a bank safe, full of valuable things. There are two ways to open a safe, either blow it up or learn the combination to the lock. Both ways work, but only way works more than once. If the safe door is blown off its hinges, it won’t work right any more and becomes useless for holding valuables.
Remember: Manors do matter.
Kevin Killjoy – Peacekeeper (Melancholic/Phlegmatic - Aqua)
Emotional Needs: Understanding, Respect for who they are, Harmony
Desire: To find common ground
For the most part Peacekeepers don’t have too many problems in casual relationships It’s the more constant relationships in their lives, like dating, marriage and work that the problems arise. Peacekeepers are not normally fast thinkers, so if a quick decision is needed, it just might not happen. Fear guides most of their decisions, “What will the neighbors think?” “What if…” This fearful thinking may be cautious and considerate, but it derails progress. Living with a Peacekeeper who is frozen in fear makes it hard to get anything done. When it becomes too hard to get a Peacekeeper moving one of two things tend to happen; the partner gives up and moves on without them or passive-aggressive mind games start.
One of the best ways to help a Peacekeeper over come fear is by taking the time to understand where their fears are coming from and quietly talk through them with out name calling or blame. Also, understanding there is more in life than getting things done, there is intrinsic worth in being a “nice guy.”
Remember: Being considerate counts.
Larry Lackluster – Peaceful (Phlegmatic - Green)
Emotional Needs: Peace and quiet, Feelings of worth, Rest/Sleep
Desire: To sit down and observe
Peacefuls tend to avoid agreeing with every one’s opinion, wanting to stay out of the opinion fray as much as possible. The only problem with this is everyone thinks the Peaceful is already on their side and involves them in the mess anyway. A Peaceful will say whatever the other person wants to hear, which many times is a lie. Lies don’t make for healthy relationships. When put under enough pressure a Peaceful will just go to sleep, which usually adds fuel to the fire.
If you find yourself in relationship with a Peaceful, it’s a good idea to have a realistic “to do” list for them. Peacefuls have two speeds – slow and slower, so to expect them to move at a breakneck speed is unrealistic. Sleep is one of their greatest needs, and if they don’t have enough, their brains don’t work. If slow and slower aren’t working for you, having their brain in the off position is not going to make things better. Give them the gift of a nap once in a while. Don’t make them feel worthless just because they can’t move at the speed of light.
Remember: Being nice to people – is nice.
Wendy Wishy-washy – Partner (Phlegmatic/Sanguine - Peridot)
Emotional Needs: Acceptance , Low stress levels, Rest
Desire: To play nice with others.
Partners, like the Peacekeepers usually don’t have too many relationship problems, except for their wishy-washiness. They agree with everyone! The only problem with this is, eventually they get caught in opinion cross fire, with each side wanting the Partner to side with them. Then being too laid back, too easy going, too agreeable, makes people suspect of their motives. Their lack of personal boundaries and a deep need to be accepted put them at risk of being used and abused by more powerful people.
If you are in relationships with a Partner, be thankful. They tend to be everybody’s best friend. To help them over come some of their flightiness, be consistent with your own emotional mood swings and opinions – let your no be NO and your yes be YES. Let your maybe, have a little hope in it. Use a softer tone to your voice and above all be patient.
Remember: Praise is a powerful motivator.
Not all toxic personalities are toxic to all people. Obviously, there are personality types that have to work at getting long more than others. Understanding the “why” behind the behavior helps take the personal offense out of the situation. If you know a Powerful is a bit on the bossy side, it won’t come as such a surprise when you find a bony finger in your face someday. Like wise when you encounter someone moving in slow gear, you then know you will need to slow down yourself or pass on the left.
Each personality has strengths and struggle and it is up to each individual to develop their strengths and minimize their weaknesses because we all have to potential to be someone else’s Toxic Personality.
