Yes, it’s that time of year again – time for the obligatory family gathering. For many this is a time of laughter, warm feelings and love, but for others it’s a time of biting your tongue, watching your back, and walking away wounded.
Every family has that person who knows how to push all the right buttons. You know the person I’m talking about - the one whose opinion counts more than anyone else’s, the fragile moody one that has everyone walking on eggshells, the silent but deadly person, who let’s you know whatever you do is not quit right, or it may be the person who insists on doing everything and doesn’t deliver. It could be your sister, mom, uncle, son, or an in-law. It doesn’t take much for them to get you riled up, touching vulnerable emotions that destroy your whole day, maybe even your whole holiday season.
Here are five tips to help your chances for surviving the family gathering season.
1. Adjust your expectations. The old adage “hope springs eternal” can often be applied to many longings we have toward family members, “Maybe this year will be better.” But, if our family member has been critical of our hair do, weight, house-keeping abilities or life style in the past, chances are they will still be critical now – if nothing has changed, than nothing has changed - plan on it.
2. Don’t take it personally. More times than not the behavior of the offending family member has nothing to do with you. I bought a refrigerator magnet that says, “I may not be much, but I am all I think about.” And, it’s true! Everyone thinks about themselves 24/7. So, if we follow this thought through to its natural conclusion - no one is thinking about our feelings, wants, desires, or needs, because they are too busy thinking about their own. This should come as no surprise and even a bit of a relief to know, you don’t have a target on your back. And even if you do – it’s still not about you. Once we understand other people’s behavior is not about us, we can let it go, and shake off the personal offense.
3. Protect your boundaries. Every family has their resident bully, give yourself permission to protect healthy boundaries. You do not need to endure insults, backhanded complements or rudeness just to keep the peace or prove you love your family. Nor do you need to start a fight to protect yourself. Simply side step the comments (don’t take it personal) when possible, and respond with sensible control. Becoming defensive, retreating into moody silence, or lying about your feelings only fuels the fire, giving the bully permission to keep up the good work.
4. Understand the power behind meeting emotional needs. This is key to improving your relationships, even your good relations. Each personality type has a set of emotional needs that if go unmet makes their behavior unhealthy, which causes relationship problems. Most behavior patterns develop (good and bad) from these emotional needs being met or unmet.
Emotional needs are not wants. They are needs on the same level as air, water, food and shelter. We will do anything it takes to sate the cravings that develop if we are deprived of these needs. Deprivation of emotional needs, is fertile ground for addiction to take hold, and addictions rarely make relationships better.
Here is a quick list of the emotional needs for each personality type.
Playful Sanguine:
Attention, Affection (touch and words) Acceptance “as is,” Amusement (play time)
Powerful Choleric:
Accomplishment, A sense of Control, Credit for their hard work, Loyalty
Proper Melancholic:
Sensitivity to their feelings, Space, Silence, Understanding
Peaceful Phlegmatic:
Feelings of worth, Calm environment, Respect for who they are, Rest (sleep)
5. Give others what they “need.” Because the offending person’s behavior is all about their needs: their insecurities, their fears, their control issues, their desires – the key in curbing unwanted behaviors is all about meeting their true emotional needs, not just playing a game of survival. The solution is simple – give them an emotional need tailored to their personality type each time you see them. Think of these needs like giving air, water, food or shelter to your loved one. If they were thirsty, you would give them a glass of water. We can do the same with emotional needs.
Here’s how it works. Let’s say your mother always has an opinion of what you should be doing, “Is there a reason you chose to do it that way? You know what I would do if I were you….” Now she doesn’t think she’s criticizing you, just telling you what she’s thinking, for your own good of course. Only it comes off like a put down, or super controlling, making you angry and resentful. You want to scream, “Leave me alone!” only you know that will escalate the scene to a new level, one in which you have never been the victor, so you listen, all the while rage is building in the pit of your soul.
Year after year you hear the hopeless message – whatever you are, is not right. Finally, the pain in the relationship is so sharp you can’t take another moment of it, only what can you do about it? One option is to walk out, another is to stand and fight or you can give an emotional need. Remember, it’s not about you - it’s about the cravings in the other person. The thought of stepping out of our need and into someone else’s need, especially if that person causes us pain, can be overwhelming, but it’s not as hard as it seems when you understand the long term benefits.
Chances are this mother has a deep need to see things completed, seeking to fill the emotional need of accomplishment. The next time you have to spend time with her, take the focus off of you by asking if there is anything she would like help getting done (you know you’ll end up doing things you didn’t plan on doing anyway, so beat her to the punch) – giving the emotional need of accomplishment.
Once is never enough. Make this a life style - giving to others what they desire most. What goes around – comes around. With in time the pounding stress will dissipate and joy has an opportunity to fill more space in the relationship. Less stress and more joy, is a good gift to give and receive.
Kathryn Robbins
Relationship Coach
Personality Principles, LLC
"Unlock the Potential of Your Relationship”
www.personalityprinciples.com
info@personalityprinciples.com
Every family has that person who knows how to push all the right buttons. You know the person I’m talking about - the one whose opinion counts more than anyone else’s, the fragile moody one that has everyone walking on eggshells, the silent but deadly person, who let’s you know whatever you do is not quit right, or it may be the person who insists on doing everything and doesn’t deliver. It could be your sister, mom, uncle, son, or an in-law. It doesn’t take much for them to get you riled up, touching vulnerable emotions that destroy your whole day, maybe even your whole holiday season.
Here are five tips to help your chances for surviving the family gathering season.
1. Adjust your expectations. The old adage “hope springs eternal” can often be applied to many longings we have toward family members, “Maybe this year will be better.” But, if our family member has been critical of our hair do, weight, house-keeping abilities or life style in the past, chances are they will still be critical now – if nothing has changed, than nothing has changed - plan on it.
2. Don’t take it personally. More times than not the behavior of the offending family member has nothing to do with you. I bought a refrigerator magnet that says, “I may not be much, but I am all I think about.” And, it’s true! Everyone thinks about themselves 24/7. So, if we follow this thought through to its natural conclusion - no one is thinking about our feelings, wants, desires, or needs, because they are too busy thinking about their own. This should come as no surprise and even a bit of a relief to know, you don’t have a target on your back. And even if you do – it’s still not about you. Once we understand other people’s behavior is not about us, we can let it go, and shake off the personal offense.
3. Protect your boundaries. Every family has their resident bully, give yourself permission to protect healthy boundaries. You do not need to endure insults, backhanded complements or rudeness just to keep the peace or prove you love your family. Nor do you need to start a fight to protect yourself. Simply side step the comments (don’t take it personal) when possible, and respond with sensible control. Becoming defensive, retreating into moody silence, or lying about your feelings only fuels the fire, giving the bully permission to keep up the good work.
4. Understand the power behind meeting emotional needs. This is key to improving your relationships, even your good relations. Each personality type has a set of emotional needs that if go unmet makes their behavior unhealthy, which causes relationship problems. Most behavior patterns develop (good and bad) from these emotional needs being met or unmet.
Emotional needs are not wants. They are needs on the same level as air, water, food and shelter. We will do anything it takes to sate the cravings that develop if we are deprived of these needs. Deprivation of emotional needs, is fertile ground for addiction to take hold, and addictions rarely make relationships better.
Here is a quick list of the emotional needs for each personality type.
Playful Sanguine:
Attention, Affection (touch and words) Acceptance “as is,” Amusement (play time)
Powerful Choleric:
Accomplishment, A sense of Control, Credit for their hard work, Loyalty
Proper Melancholic:
Sensitivity to their feelings, Space, Silence, Understanding
Peaceful Phlegmatic:
Feelings of worth, Calm environment, Respect for who they are, Rest (sleep)
5. Give others what they “need.” Because the offending person’s behavior is all about their needs: their insecurities, their fears, their control issues, their desires – the key in curbing unwanted behaviors is all about meeting their true emotional needs, not just playing a game of survival. The solution is simple – give them an emotional need tailored to their personality type each time you see them. Think of these needs like giving air, water, food or shelter to your loved one. If they were thirsty, you would give them a glass of water. We can do the same with emotional needs.
Here’s how it works. Let’s say your mother always has an opinion of what you should be doing, “Is there a reason you chose to do it that way? You know what I would do if I were you….” Now she doesn’t think she’s criticizing you, just telling you what she’s thinking, for your own good of course. Only it comes off like a put down, or super controlling, making you angry and resentful. You want to scream, “Leave me alone!” only you know that will escalate the scene to a new level, one in which you have never been the victor, so you listen, all the while rage is building in the pit of your soul.
Year after year you hear the hopeless message – whatever you are, is not right. Finally, the pain in the relationship is so sharp you can’t take another moment of it, only what can you do about it? One option is to walk out, another is to stand and fight or you can give an emotional need. Remember, it’s not about you - it’s about the cravings in the other person. The thought of stepping out of our need and into someone else’s need, especially if that person causes us pain, can be overwhelming, but it’s not as hard as it seems when you understand the long term benefits.
Chances are this mother has a deep need to see things completed, seeking to fill the emotional need of accomplishment. The next time you have to spend time with her, take the focus off of you by asking if there is anything she would like help getting done (you know you’ll end up doing things you didn’t plan on doing anyway, so beat her to the punch) – giving the emotional need of accomplishment.
Once is never enough. Make this a life style - giving to others what they desire most. What goes around – comes around. With in time the pounding stress will dissipate and joy has an opportunity to fill more space in the relationship. Less stress and more joy, is a good gift to give and receive.
Kathryn Robbins
Relationship Coach
Personality Principles, LLC
"Unlock the Potential of Your Relationship”
www.personalityprinciples.com
info@personalityprinciples.com
